Dont get me wrong.. I don't always love to train, I don't spring out of bed and think "yes, I can't wait to get in the gym!" but I always know that the feeling I get after I do train is always worth every blister and every ache. I'm constantly amazed by just how far I can push my body... and I love that I can repeatedly challenge myself. Today I went for a massive run on the beach (14.68kms to be exact) and the whole time I ran, I smiled. I don't know if it was because of the ocean air, but I felt almost intoxicated with life. As if my run couldn't get any better, the universe threw a few dolphins my way and I literally squealed as I watched them chase each other no more then 10 metres away from me! But today, I was alive... I ran.. and ran.. and ran... and if it wasn't for my legs starting to cramp - I'm pretty sure I could have just kept running. Apart from a few local nudists and a fisherman I literally was the only one on this beach... for 14.68kms I was practically all alone... and I loved it. I had time to think, to breathe, to reflect... and sometimes I would find myself looking down at my legs actually running and feel a huge sense of pride and achievement... I was someone who couldn't walk up a slight hill without panting 6 months ago... and now I'm running and actually LOVING IT!!!
With my "train" aspect well underway... this brings me to pray. I consider myself as quite a spiritual person... I'm not necessarily "religious" and don't pray to God.. but I do believe there is a God. For me - rather then pray, I meditate. I look to myself for inner guidance and constantly try to connect with my "spirit guides". I'm not fabulous with being in silence... I definitely think this is something I need to work on! I once went away with my mum on a "hippy weekend" (ended up being one of the best things I did) with a Spiritual Guider/Energy Healer called Juliet Martine. Juliet has a presence about her which lights up a room, and when she talks to you, for some reason, you listen with your whole body - not just your ears. This whole weekend was focused on getting you on track with your soul's purpose. I was in constant meditation mode for 3 days straight.. and by the end of it felt like I was floating. I had gained so much more direction and guidance and felt a greater appreciation for nature and for things that were already in my life (see - hippy weekend!) I need to make more time for this... more time to just be. I think of meditation as more of a luxury... but I think I need to view it, now more then ever, as a necessity. 10 minutes a day... Not really too much to ask?
My final section... the most important .. "love". I love my family, I love my friends, I love .... me? Not quite. When I finished on the biggest loser, I went and saw my friend Juliet. We went through a healing session together and she was asking me questions about my struggles, about my journey... and then she asked me this question. "Do you love yourself". Has someone ever asked you "Do you love yourself"? I remember thinking how could I love myself? What a HUGE ego I must have to actually LOVE myself... Until I realised the reality of it... No... I really actually don't. That's really sad... because lets face it... if I don't love myself - how can I expect anyone else to? If I don't love myself - how can I expect to move forward? I'm baffled.. I look the best that I've looked in a while, I feel the most healthiest I've ever felt... but I still don't love myself. So it turns out I need a bit of self love.. As Buddha says "You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection."I really do need to learn to love me, but how do I start?.. Learning to Love Me 101. *insert suggestions here?*
Train, Pray, Love - definitely a work in progress...Do I need to go to Italy, India and Bali to complete this search? Probably not. Mine is starting to look more like "Bunbury, Byron and Home". It may seem a little cliche.. but I truly hope this helps in my quest for finding happiness and ultimately, Lara.
Lar, reading this post was like reading Kerry's journal. You are both on exactly the same path and feeling the exact same. You should chat with her. Also reading this and mag interviews shows me how much you've grown. You're no longer the 'young girl' you used to be at Mallys. I can't wait to see you and experience the new you!
ReplyDeleteRead this blog post Lara, then had to go away process it all and come back(Emazon taught me well huh!!).
ReplyDeleteYour thoughts about training I could have written myself. I never want to get out of bed for it, but once i'm up and there you can't wipe the smile off my face, and the feeling of satisfaction and the end of it, well money can't buy it. I think maybe that's where learning to love yourself will come from - constantly challenging yourself, and rising to the occasion. And even when you don't, knowing you tried. It's about pride in yourself, being able to hand on heart say you've given it all you can. It all flows on to "real life' too.
I wonder if in actual fact you love yourself more than you think. It sounds like you've made some pretty tough decisions in the last 6 months, decisions that were about YOU first and foremost, regardless of what thers may say or think. Spread those wings and fly hun!
Awesome read, and that run sounds phenomenal. I last night had sore achey legs from a Pump session and tried to get out of my first run in a month - but my bestie pushed me and said just go!!! I did, I only ran 4km but I loved it...and I too did that looking down at my legs thing just to make sure it was actually me running!!! Love reading about your journey, keep running and thinking and searching for your happiness, and everything else will fall into place.
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