Craaazzzy little thing called.. LOVE.

Firstly - How dare I... In the midst of 'finding Lara' I "lost my voice" and didn't stay in touch!... Sorry for being a blog snob! Hopefully this post makes up for it!

Dear Diary (because really - this is what this is!!!),

Looking back at the past year I'm exhausted. It's almost been a whole year (come 2 November) since I first left for Camp Biggest Loser. If you had asked me 12 months ago if I was capable of going through this much change I would have laughed in your face. It's almost sad looking back to that shy, overweight, unhappy girl...   that girl who by chance one night was sitting on her computer and checking her emails when the Biggest Loser Audition call came up. And let me tell you, that girl was NOT prepared for that truck coming around the corner!!! And you know what.... I WOULD DO IT ALL AGAIN. Yep - crazy I know... but from all the craziness came about a shitload of truth (scuze the french). Every struggle and tear has now built me a solid foundation for a kick ass version of me. This Lara - this round, is prepared. So since coming back from Bobs... I've come back on a mission. Put Lara first. Yep - selfish I know... But let me tell you - It's been a long time coming! I've spent alot of time putting other people first - and in my quest of finding lara - I decided to try out a quirky little concept...

A good friend of mine once told me she decided to get involved in a relationship with herself... I laughed...  but.. as crazy as it sounds - I love it!  Me... Lara Whalan... is now in a relationship with.. me! (Can you see the Facebook Relationship update comments? - hahahah should I try it?) So the concept of being in a relationship with me - is that now I can do whatever I want, where I want, when I want and I can only hold myself accountable for how much fun I have! I can learn to love myself - every part of myself, and spoil myself on occasions... I can keep myself happy and fit by going to my favourite gym, and I can constantly surround myself with people who Lara loves (my beautiful friends and family).  Regardless of the people who come in and out of my life - I have someone with me who will be there until the end of time, someone who will absolutely love me unconditionally and will always be there to pick me back up when I'm down.. yep - you guessed it! Me!!!!  I can't let myself down - and if I have - it's my own doing... and the best thing?  I can trust myself 100%.
Now I am sure you're probably reading this going - what a load of bullshit. But think about it...   if everyone on planet earth packed up and left tomorrow - who would you be left with? Who is it that you can 100% rely on and trust for the rest of your life? So who - if there is anyone on the planet..should you get to know more and learn to love even more then that? Yep - you guessed it. YOU.
Hate it? Love it? Use it? I don't care... 

Because Lara LOVES it.... 

Since coming back from Bobs, I've put myself first... and taken my own advice..  I've taken Lara to my happiest place ALOT (the beach), scored a job at Lara's favourite gym - doing something I find amazingly rewarding, and I've even managed to meet a beautiful man who Lara and I are extremely fond of!!  I surround myself with beautiful and positive people who I love and who ultimately make me feel happy (my friends and family). Personally,  I think this new relationship has started off with a bang ;)

Signing off from another crazy entry,

Me xx

As promised - Lara's Tuna Salad

When I was in the house, I made this salad for Shar and I one day...  ever since, I am addicted.... it's simple... healthy... and Oh SoOOOO GOOD!!! Enjoy :)

2  - 3 cups Spinach and Rocket Leaves...
1 carrot chopped
1 whole roma tomato chopped
1/8 spanish onion diced
celery if you liked (Shar liked - Lara didn't)
Sandwich Tuna Flakes (Greenseas) - Purple Tin

Chop everything up, drain the oil from the tuna ... then the rest of the oil left over in the tuna acts like a dressing when you mix it up through the salad.

It sounds like a lousy salad - but seriously - try it once... exactly like i've explained. I guarantee you will be LOVING it. This is what i eat almost every day :)

xxxx Lara

I don't know if I've told you...

Since coming out of the biggest loser, I have been like a deer stuck in headlights. I've been in damage control, and, on most days, I've lived 24 hours in advance (meaning I plan my life day to day). That is truly all i have been capable of doing. I've been erratic, I've been spontaneous (much to some of my friend's delight and disgust). It hasn't been until I've come over here to WA, that I've realised just how many truly beautiful friends I have and of course... how beautiful and loving my family are. I may not be able to always show it, and I hope that now I can slow down my pace a little, but to all of you - who have been my oxygen - including my beautiful fans.... from the bottom of my heart I want to say thank you.. A special thank you to Bob Herdsman and his beautiful wife Jan (who by the way, has developed a mean left hook!). I am not sure how I will ever repay you, but I will forever be thankful for you both letting me "retreat" to your place. I'm sad to go home, but I guarantee I will be back :) I may not have "found Lara", but when I leave WA next week, I know I will leave feeling like the "fire in my belly" is back. I leave looking forward to things in life again (a feeling which, since the show, I have struggled to feel). Most of all though, to the person who is forever by my side, and the person who I love more then anything in the world - my mum. If I had a million mum's to choose in the whole world - it would always be you. As I said - I may not have found Lara, but I have discovered that a HUGE part of who Lara is made up of my beautiful family, my amazing friends, and my beautiful fans who inspire me every day. A quote to finish on which sums it all up "To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world"- Brandi Snyder

Manifesting Skippy

As of now, I've decided to be extremely careful what I put out to the universe. Last night - on my way home from a night out dancing in a suburb I can't even pronounce, I was talking to my friend Michelle (who was driving) about her new powerful car...  "Out here, we need powerful cars because of trucks, and kangaroos". I get the trucks part but really? Kangaroos? Intrigued I turned and asked " Have you ever hit a kangaroo? What is it like hitting one?"Clearly it must be a pretty decent hit if you need a powerful car for Kangaroos. She turned to me... a look of horror on her face - and said "Ohhh no, don't say that! Touch wood NO I have never hit a kangaroo". So Michelle is my age - 26 , she lives out in the country and no, she has never hit a Kangaroo.. we should be fine. Can you see where this is going?  Michelle continues to tell me how important it is that you "don't swerve" when you hit a kangaroo because that is how people die from it... when "THUMP"... What on EARTH was that?!!...   Michelle and I let out a high pitched terrifying shriek as poor skippy rolls up the windscreen right in front of my eyes...  it goes silent. Horrified we keep driving along the pitch black road... It's 1am, there are no street lights... we are both in absolute shock..  "Do you think it's alive?". "No Michelle, I'm pretty sure you hit him for 6"...  we keep driving... in complete silence... we both start to shake. Eventually Michelle pulls over to check the  damage of the car. I refuse to get out (knowing full well I probably have a nice kangaroo coat plastered to my door). She walks around the front of the car. I don't know what scared me more - the actual accident or the look on Michelle's face when she looks at the damage. She slowly starts to make her way back to the car and she looks like she's seen a ghost. A few minutes of complete silence later we arrive back to her house. I turn to Michelle and flat out refused to open the door. "Michelle - I am NOT getting out my side (the kangaroo hit my side of the car). "No way am I getting out of my side, I'm going to climb over and get out of yours". I sit in my car for another minute and think to myself - don't be silly Lara.. just open the door....  After a few minutes of battling with my head I reach for the door handle and  pull it open. Nothing. I try again... nothing. My door finally opens an inch... it's completely stuck. WOW. Now I'm freaked out. I refuse to get out of the car so the universe made it impossible to do so...Coincidence? I think not. Someone was looking out for us tonight... had the kangaroo have hit us at another angle and gone through the windscreen I hate to think what would have happened. I'm so thankful that Michelle is such an amazing driver and didn't swerve...  The moral of the story? Be careful what you put out to the universe...  I'm off to buy a lottery ticket and hopefully manifest myself a nice house by the beach while I'm at it! :)

Train, Pray, Love

Without being cheesy, I feel somewhat inspired by the book Eat, Pray, Love. Something about that story grabs my attention and in my own silly way I feel like I'm on my own mission... to find out who Lara is... and to surround myself doing things that I love, being around people that I love.. and ultimately.. to love myself.  I had to make a few changes to the title of this blog... because lets face it.. I've eaten. I'm quite good at it actually... as if you all hadn't noticed!!! (For the record - the McFamily Meal Deals were not "put on" by the show... I actually did used to eat 2 cheeseburgers, 6 nuggets, 2 chips, 2 cokes and a McFlurry every night ) So that being said - I think i can skip the "Eat" part and replace it with a new love I've found... Train!

 Dont get me wrong.. I don't always love to train, I don't spring out of bed and think "yes, I can't wait to get in the gym!" but I always know that the feeling I get after I do train is always worth every blister and every ache. I'm constantly amazed by just how far I can push my body... and I love that I can repeatedly challenge myself. Today I went for a massive run on the beach (14.68kms to be exact) and the whole time I ran, I smiled. I don't know if it was because of the ocean air, but I felt almost intoxicated with life. As if my run couldn't get any better, the universe threw a few dolphins my way and I literally squealed as I watched them chase each other no more then 10 metres away from me! But today, I was alive... I ran.. and ran.. and ran... and if it wasn't for my legs starting to cramp - I'm pretty sure I could have just kept running. Apart from a few local nudists and a fisherman I literally was the only one on this beach... for 14.68kms I was practically all alone... and I loved it. I had time to think, to breathe, to reflect... and sometimes I would find myself looking down at my legs actually running and feel a huge sense of pride and achievement...  I was someone who couldn't walk up a slight hill without panting 6 months ago... and now I'm running and actually LOVING IT!!!  

With my "train" aspect well underway...  this brings me to pray. I consider myself as quite a spiritual person... I'm not necessarily "religious" and don't pray to God..   but I do believe there is a God. For me - rather then pray, I meditate. I look to myself for inner guidance and constantly try to connect with my "spirit guides". I'm not fabulous with being in silence... I definitely think this is something I need to work on! I once went away with my mum on a "hippy weekend" (ended up being one of the best things I did) with a Spiritual Guider/Energy Healer called Juliet Martine. Juliet has a presence about her which lights up a room, and when she talks to you, for some reason, you listen with your whole body - not just your ears. This whole weekend was focused on getting you on track with your soul's purpose. I was in constant meditation mode for 3 days straight.. and by the end of it felt like I was floating. I had gained so much more direction and guidance and felt a greater appreciation for nature and for things that were already in my life (see - hippy weekend!) I need to make more time for this... more time to just be. I think of meditation as more of a luxury... but I think I need to view it, now more then ever, as a necessity. 10 minutes a day... Not really too much to ask?

 My final section... the most important .. "love". I love my family, I love my friends, I love ....   me? Not quite. When I finished on the biggest loser, I went and saw my friend Juliet. We went through a healing session together and she was asking me questions about my struggles, about my journey... and then she asked me this question. "Do you love yourself".  Has someone ever asked you "Do you love yourself"? I remember thinking how could I love myself? What a HUGE ego I must have to actually LOVE myself... Until I realised the reality of it... No... I really actually don't. That's really sad... because lets face it... if I don't love myself - how can I expect anyone else to? If I don't love myself - how can I expect to move forward? I'm baffled.. I look the best that I've looked in a while, I feel the most healthiest I've ever felt... but I still don't love myself. So it turns out I need a bit of self love.. As Buddha says "You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection."I really do need to learn to love me, but how do I start?..  Learning to Love Me 101. *insert suggestions here?*

Train, Pray, Love - definitely a work in progress...Do I need to go to Italy, India and Bali to complete this search? Probably not. Mine is starting to look more like "Bunbury, Byron and Home". It may seem a little cliche.. but I truly hope this helps in my quest for finding happiness and ultimately, Lara. 

Back to Bob...

Still feeling "lost", one day I reached out to a man who I knew - just speaking to - would give me clarity. Bob Herdsman won The Biggest Loser 2009 and I was fortunate enough to have him as my mentor on our series of the show. Have you ever had that instant connection with someone? Someone you don't actually know, but as soon as you get talking you feel like opening up to them? That's Bob for me. I sit and absorb everything that man says to me, and it feels like liquid gold running directly into my soul. I trust his words, and I know that he is just what I need to help me on my journey of "finding Lara". So I call him. After a 2 hour conversation (that feels like minutes) Bob says"come over and stay with me, and we will train". Making no other promises but that I could train with him, I rushed to the computer and booked a one-way ticket. I don't know how long it will take... so I won't put a limit on the time. I may not feel like I know who I am anymore - because everything has changed in my life... but the one thing that I do know is that whenever I train - I am my happiest.. People think I'm crazy when I train because as I am running I dance with my hands, and I smile and sometimes giggle. Having slacked off a bit since the show I knew this would be a good start. I may be a long way from "happy", but I know training will put me on my path.  So here I am. Having done my revealing bikini shoot for Who magazine, and having finally let the truth out about my break up with Leigh, I jumped on a plane to "go back to bob"...  (a phrase I used on the show when describing going back to hardcore training - not sure if anyone saw that week but GEEZ that man had us training (which is why I lost 10kgs in one week!!) Although losing some more weight and getting closer to my goal of 60kgs would be amazing, I know this adventure is designed for much more then that...

Feather, Rock, Truck

I want to tell you a story to help you understand where I have been and how I got there... if you take something from it - even better!

Almost 2 years ago I met an amazingly strong woman who shared this theory with me. For me, she told this story in the context of my relationship at the time (which was going through a rough patch)... but you can apply it generally to any aspect of your life.

Lets use it with weight-loss... (something I know a bit about recently!!)

You know you need to lose weight... but you keep going through your life doing the same that you do, eating fast food, not exercising and increasing your waist size every day....   One day, you try on those pair of size 20 jeans and they now don't do up..... getting depressed you think to yourself "something has got to change, I really have to lose weight......   but I'll start tomorrow". Tomorrow doesn't come. This stage is what I call the "feather" stage. This incident happens which hypothetically is like a feather floating past you and landing at your feet. It is that small reminder that something needs to be done... but as quickly as it is brought to your attention, you have already stepped over it and made your way to the cupboard for some comfort food.

So your going along in your life again, you've bought yourself the next size up in jeans, and all of a sudden something happens... it hurts....  like a rock being thrown at the back of your head...   maybe your walking down the street and a little kid asks his mum (quite loudly) why "that lady is so fat" or maybe your going to sit down and the chair collapses underneath you. This really hurts you.. and really jolts you back to that feeling of... "I really have to lose weight.... but I'll start tomorrow"....  this has hurt you, and you really really know that something has to be done... but that rock stays on the ground, and you step over it and ignore the message it was trying to send you. (Trust me - you will wish later that you didn't!)

This leads me to my favourite part... the truck. This is the part that your walking along in your life again, and from around the corner comes this HUGE, GIGANTIC semi-trailer with bright coloured lights and let me tell you.. it's on a rampage...  it comes directly for you and without even seeing it coming,  BAM! It ploughs you over (and just in case there is anything left - it reverses over you again and again). Everything comes toppling over in your life, you might lose your job, have a relationship break down, or your told by the doctor that you're off to an early grave if you don't lose some weight. Maybe you have already suffered a medical issue...Whatever it is... it's been coming... and now - it taken a destructive path and its run everything over on its way... You're defeated. It's taken away any choice now, you have lost everything... so now you cannot ignore it.  You think to yourself - why didn't I listen when that feather floated past me.... or why didn't i do something when that rock hit me....  but - like most people do, you've waited for the universe to help tear everything down to show you that tomorrow can't wait.... you are forced to do something NOW.

I'll tell you my truck experience (in a hope that you will get some understanding behind my story)...

When I came out of the Biggest Loser, I thought I had already been tested enough.... but my real lesson was about to start. I had physically made the change... but mentally I hadn't learnt my hardest lesson. My truck turned its ignition on and started revving it's engine.

24 hours after finale was taped my semi-trailer came around that corner and hit me at 150km/hour. My relationship with Leigh was over (which at the time felt like my whole life was over).  Just when I thought that I had been through enough change, the universe had my biggest lesson waiting. I had ignored that feather and rock all those times before,  so my truck was ready to charge... and boy did it clean me up. What was I going to do now?  Everything that I believed was my future, was now scattered around me... I was devastated. My dreams of marrying Leigh were over, and my future of being "Leigh's  Wife" is non existent. I felt so lost... that was all I could say...  I'm just lost. I was numb. The reality was that I was lost. I had become so defined by Leigh, by being "Leigh's future wife", that I had lost everything I knew about Lara....I'd lost Lara. Which brings me to the name of my blog.. "Losing Lara".  It should really be "finding Lara"... but a very special person also told me "To find yourself, you must first lose yourself".

A week after finale went to air, I sent the following email through to that wise lady who first taught me this theory:

"Just thought you should know, that big bastard of a semi-trailer has hit".